Something For Nothing

I am apparently the richest man on earth—ahead of Bill Gates and various Middle Eastern sultans. Ahead of huge corporations like Microsoft and WalMart. Even richer than some third world countries. Well, I guess that qualifies me as the richest guy here in Pancake Flats.

Every week for the past 6 months I have received an e-mail from The Lottery. I have won millions and millions and millions of dollars. They keep picking my number. I keep winning. And you know what? I don't even remember playing. Is this a great country or what?

And every week I also get these enticing offers from very wealthy African teenage girls. They say they fled their country during a coup attempt. Unfortunately, they say, they and their penniless mothers were in such a hurry to fly off in their private jet that they forgot the key to their Swiss bank account, which is loaded with 16 tons of pure gold bullion. But it will magically appear as soon as I send them all my bank and savings account numbers and credit card numbers and all my first born sons. Then they will share half the gold with me. And since I am the only person who can help them, they’ll even deliver it personally.

Oh, and there’s the unfortunate rich industrialist who fell out of an airplane, leaving behind a ka-zillion unclaimed dollars just for me and the bookkeeper from The African Bank. I'll get my half as soon as I send him all my bank and savings acc. . .

Well, generous man that I am, I contacted one of the wealthy African teenage girls (Reply to meetafricanteenagegirls@hotmail.com) and suggested that she split the money with the US troops in Iraq. Perhaps one of the soldiers will marry her and she and her penniless mother won’t ever have to endure humiliating financial stress again.

And I replied to the bookkeeper from The African Bank, too. (Reply to meetafricanteenagegirls@hotmail.com) I suggested that he go ahead and send my money to help the tsunami victims, and to please send me a tax deductible receipt for my kindness and generosity.

I asked The Lottery people (Reply to yourhotsexkitten@yahoo.com) to just go ahead and open a special fund with my money and then assist US disaster victims (hurricanes, floods, tornadoes). I should be getting a tax deductible receipt any day now.

Bonus for me: If I share my amazing wealth this way, I won’t have to worry about unscrupulous people who claim they are my relatives and who want nothing more than an easy handout.

And I’ll have some tax deductions, too. God bless America.