Friday, May 04, 2007

The Joy of Home Remedies

I copied this from the Waddell County (Weekly) News. I thought you’d be interested.

Pancake Flats, KS (AP) Dr. Ben Dover, a neurosurgeon from Pancake Flats, was examined at Mount M’Goodness Hospital today after performing brain surgery on himself. A firestorm of controversy erupted after Dr. Dover used a Swiss Army Knife, a melon baller and his wife’s hand mirror to remove a small tumor from his own brain in a three-hour procedure before his bathroom mirror.

News of the bizarre surgery first came to light when his wife, Eileen, was on the phone explaining why her husband was at home and not at the golf course as usually scheduled. Mrs. Dover’s telephone companion, June Bryde, who asked to remain anonymous, immediately notified the Pancake Flats Volunteer Fire Department. EMTs went to the Dover’s home. Kansas State Troopers, hospital personnel, and golf course administrators also went to the home.

Dr. Dover was rushed to Mt. M’Goodness Hospital for an examination. It was apparent that he had successfully performed the delicate surgery. “But I’ve seen better stitching,” one medical intern said.

“My hair itches a little, but I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay,” the doctor insisted from his hospital bed.

Mrs. Eileen Dover could not be reached for comment. “She’s on the phone with the Guinness Book of World Records people,” said the Dover spokesperson, June Bryde, on condition of anonymity. “And the Oprah folks, too.”

The controversy began when Dr. Honee Bee, CEO and senior spokesperson at the hospital complained about Dr. Dover’s home remedy. “He’s a staff surgeon here. He knows how much we need the money. We would have given him a discount, but several hundred thousand dollars just went down the drain when he did this at his house! There’s no excuse for flagrantly ignoring our billing department,” Dr. Bee continued. “We’re discussing this with our legal department as we speak. We’ll get our due one way or another,” she said.

“Down the drain?” whispered the Dover family spokesperson, June Bryde, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I don’t think so. He never flushes, and he always leaves the seat up.”

Waddell County Public Golf Course manager and groundskeeper, B.R. Wright, echoed the same sentiment as Dr. Bee. “Yeah. The dude has a standing tee time. Ten o’clock ever Wednesday. Was he there today? Nooooo! Did he call to cancel? Nooooo! What’s up with that, dude? How am I gonna get back the money for that time? You cain’t back up and start over, know what I’m sayin’?”

Mr. Wright learned of the unusual operation when he phoned the Dover home to inquire about the doctor’s absence from the golf course.

“Yeah, I was the first dude to figure it out after Eileen Dover told me what the doc had done. I didn’t think it was true, but I told my waitress, June, who don’t want nobody to know she’s in on this, and she called up Eileen again. Sure nuff, the doc had done this surgery. The dude’s a total tight wad! Know what I’m sayin’?”

“What’s the big deal?” asked volunteer firefighter Tim Burr. “I could probably do surgery on myself, too, if I drank as much as ol’ Doc. I seen him drink enough to numb his pain for a week.” Mr. Burr also revealed that the Volunteer Fire Department placed Dr. Dover’s Swiss Army knife on eBay. “We need some cash,” he said. “Ever little bit helps.”

The unflappable Dr. Dover said, “I keep telling them that I’m fine and want to go home, but they want me to wait another day, wait another day, wait another day. Besides, I need to see my eye doctor. All of a sudden, I’m seeing everything upside down.”

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