Questions Department

My First Wife is all into those house remodeling shows on the HGTV channel. You know, the ones that make a home presentable for modern DINK* home buyers. You know, those shows that repaint, replumb, refloor, retile, rewire—all in just a couple of minutes—and give you curb appeal, too.

Well, have you noticed? All the workers are happy, handsome young studs dressed in the latest fashions. They wear salon-coiffed hair, and they never get paint or dust or anything on themselves. Isn’t it interesting how they all get to sit out on the deck with some cutie at the end of the day and discuss their progress? And have I seen a couple of those cuties on The Dukes of Hazzard reruns?

Questions: where are all the old-time carpenters with big bellies inside their coveralls? How come none of the painters look like they've been inhaling paint thinner out in the alley? Know what I mean? Do you ever see the sheet rockers smoking something special? And what happened to good ol’ fashion “plumbers crack” now that all of them are wearing impeccable Dockers^® slacks? And, oh yeah: why don't we ever see the 12-packs?

*Double Income, No Kids