Thiry-Nine Again

My First Wife’s birthday is coming up real soon and, once again, I’m short on ideas for gift-giving.

It’s hard to get her a gift, because she can’t eat sugar; therefore, no boxes of chocolates or other sweet treats. She can’t eat wheat flour, either. So I can’t order her a birthday cake; no thick cookies, no cupcakes, none of that stuff. She’s allergic to perfumes. And I can’t get her any clothes because no matter how small the number, she always asks, “You think I’m fat, don’t you?”

I feel left out all around. What to do; what to do?

Last year I took her to the auto parts store and told her she could pick out anything she wanted. Well, she turned and hurried back out to the car, so I figured she wanted to be surprised. She was drop-jawed when she unwrapped that set of battery cables.

Two years ago, at the hardware store, I helped her pick out some cute little drawer pulls for the dresser we found at a garage sale. (I finally got it repainted and out of the basement a few weeks ago. Looks good out there in the garage next to the Maytag.)

And the year before that I gave her a magazine subscription—two years worth!—to Porch and Patio Monthly.

And she still has that 6-pack of WD-40 I got her about five years ago. That stuff sure goes a long way, doesn’t it?

Any good ideas for a thoughtful birthday present for Chancie? Please don’t suggest anything that has an electrical cord sticking out of it. She says those kind of things aren’t romantic.

Speaking of romantic: one thing I can do is take her out to a romantic dinner and let her choose whatever she wants. I always have a hard time deciding between Souper Salad or Far Flung Chinese Buffet. I think I’ll surprise her this year, though, and take her to a new place across from the truck stop. Waffle House.

Anyone reading this is welcome to suggest something for My First Wife’s birthday. It’s Thursday, and she looks like she’ll be thirty-nine.