Why Johnny Cain't Spell

I was clicking from blog to blog recently and uncovered the reason that American school children are behind their Japanese counterparts. It’s simple: their parents cain’t spell.

And, y'know, also they, like, don’t get grammar and punctuation?*

So how can kids be expected to know their Ps and Qs, if their parent’s don’t?

Teacher, with hands on hips: “Johnny, don’t tell me your dog ate your homework again.”
Johnny: “No, ma’am. My dad is still trying to finish the spelling words.”

Is it "it’s" or "its"? Which it is, dude? Why?

Is it they’re, there or their? “There cows are lose.”

Lose? Or loose? “I don’t want to loose him.”

Loose is when something is untight, or the cows are out of the pin...er, pen. Lose is when you unknow where the cows are, or when Mr. Right swings on Miss Fortune’s gate.

Correct: Their cows are not loose. They’re over there—in the corn field. And it will be your misfortune if you lose Mr. Right to Miss Fortune.

Pet Peeve 1: There’s a plethora of writing sites that brandish outlandish spelling.**
Pet Peeve 2: There are even more writing sites that don’t proofread thinks before posting them.

Big Discovery 1: Most so-called writing blogs are elitist. Or is it plural—elitists? Or possessive—elitist's? Or plural possessive—eliltists'?
Big Discovery 2: When we all get to heaven there won't be any grammar tests. Or spelling tests.

*That spinning noise you hear is my mother turning over in her grave.
**Accidental Haiku