Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Joy of Number Nine (9)

If you just tuned in, I'm republishing my 2007 "Top 10" posts, based on your exciting comments. Off we go with Number Nine.

The Joy of Arkansas (June 20)
To Jamie Dawn, With Love

How to tell if your church is redneck.

  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if...when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…opening day of deer season is an official church holiday.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if...the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…the choir robes are embroidered with the logo from Bubba’s Bowling and Bar-B-Que.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if...the collection plates are hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if...instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…”Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
  • You know you're in a Redneck Church if…the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah."


Oh, and one last thing: You know you're in an Arkansas motel when you call the front desk and say you got a leak in the sink, and they say, "That's fine. Go right ahead."

If you missed Number 10, just scroll on down.

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