Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Music Department

Thanks for tuning in, folks. WFTH is announcin’ our first live music lesson. By popular demand it's The Blues—and we’ve got just what you need right here. Just read on.

Most Blues begin real simple like this: "Woke up this mornin'..."

"I got a good woman" is not a good way to start off The Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like: "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yeah, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Oh…she got teeth like El’nor Rose-Velt, and she weigh five hunnerd pound…"

You're gonna need a old car. The Blues cars are Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broke-down trucks. The Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Other Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Also, walkin' along railroad tracks with a houn’ dog plays a major part in a Blues lifestyle. Frequent flyer miles and HOV Lanes ain't even in the runnin’.

Young'ns can't sing The Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Only adults sing The Blues because they’s old enough to get the 'lectric chair if they shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in Houston, but not in Honolulu or Montreal. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. But NawLeans, Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have The Blues—and Memphis, if you shoot a man there. You cannot have The Blues in the desert because it don’t get no rain.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't The Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg when you was skiing is not The Blues. Losing your leg 'cause a alligator chewed it off is.

You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by a dumpster.

Real good places for The Blues are on a lonely highway, in a jailhouse, behind an old chapel, in an empty bed or at the bottom of a whiskey glass.

No place for The Blues: Nordstrom’s, art gallery openings, Ivy League institutions, Jr. League meetings, Whole Foods Markets and tennis courts.

No one will believe it's The Blues if you’re wearin’ a suit, 'less you happen to be an old Black gentleman and you slept in it.

Do you have the right to sing The Blues? Yes, if you old; if you blind; if you lost your houn’ dog, if you can’t be satisfied, if your woman leff you, or if you shot a man in Memphis.

No, you cain’t sing The Blues if you have all your teeth, if once you was blind but now you see, if the man in Memphis lived, or if you have a 401k.

The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch? You stuck in a ditch.

Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing The Blues. Mike Tyson can. Lot of ugly white folks also got a leg up on The Blues, specially them that lives in Arkansas.

If you ask for water and your darlin' give you kerosene, that’s The Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are cheap wine, whiskey and bourbon, muddy water, nasty black coffee. The following are not Blues beverages: Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, Slimfast, or Starbucks.

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. So's the 'lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if your ticker stops on the golf course or during a facelift.

Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men are Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie, Willie Joe or Joe Willie.

And one more thing: people with names like Michelle, Amber, Heather and Tiffany can never sing The Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Well, ready to get started? Okay, here’s a Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:

First, you need a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.).
Then choose the name of fruit or a insect (Grapefruit, Peaches, Lemon, Kiwi, Skeeter, Chigger, etc.).
Finally, the last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.).

For example:

  • Blind Peaches Jefferson
  • Jakeleg Lemon Johnson
  • Crook-eyed Kiwi Kennedy
  • Sleepy Skeeter Monroe

Send us your Blues name for a chance to win something. Don’t know what it is yet, but ya’ll can be sure it will be something we can afford.

Kiwi? Well, no, not Kiwi. Let's think this through…and tune in again next time.

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