Household Hints Department

My First Wife spent a few days outta town last week, leaving me home alone to keep things in order.

• So first, I left the toilet seat up.
• I didn’t rinse the bathroom sink after I shaved.
• I slurped, belched and farted while I ate.
• Somehow the toothpaste disappeared.
• Dirty dishes stacked up in the sink—and in the living room.
• Coffee mugs dried up all over the house.
• I never made the bed nor swept a floor.
• The sun tea grew some green “bubbles.”
• Mayonnaise and mustard decorated the kitchen counter, and the sandwich bread dried out.
• I left dirty clothes, underwear, socks, shoes, boots and hats all over the place.
• The shower curtains hung open after my showers.
• Had a bag of chips for dinner one evening; left the bag on the coffee table.
• Had a pizza for dinner another evening; left the box under the coffee table.
• I built a short stack of magazines in the bathroom.
• The mail piled up on the dining room table.
• I ate two 1/2 gallons of ice cream directly from of the carton—while they dripped on the floor.
• The clothes hamper pretty much stayed empty.

“The house looks nice, Hunny,” she said when she got back. In the last two desperate hours before she returned, I got rid of all the evidence—and took out the garbage.

Oh, in case your wondering, I found the toothpaste inside a magazine.