Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Joy of Killing Lawyers

There’s an interesting idea on Cliff Morrow’s blog (creatively titled Cliff Morrow’s Blog): his idea of a perfect world. It’s such a good idea that I’m trying it, too. It goes like this.

In my perfect world…

  1. “First, we kill all the lawyers.”—William Shakespeare
  2. Chocolate is our official national flavor.
  3. Jesus comes back right away. (Yee-haw!)
  4. We never use “stress” and “baseball” in the same sentence.
  5. When I write an article, I only have to re-write it three times. (Yee-haw!)
  6. Mexico and the United States are merged into one nation.
    (No more fences! No mas cercas! )
  7. Snow melts in a hurry.
  8. Comedy gets clean.
  9. My grandkids—Olympics…Broadway…Yankee Stadium…beauty pageants…PhDs…art museums…Nobel Prizes…
  10. The need for guns in this country has expired; therefore, no more private ownership.
  11. Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are still married.
  12. Child abuse, autism and birth defects are things of the past. And.…and…well, what’s that disease that affects your memory? (Hold on, I’ll think of it in a minute.)
  13. I’ll walk across America; from Delaware to California.
  14. My First Wife will walk with me part of the time.
  15. There’s no such thing as “justa.” (‘Oh, I’m justa housewife.’ ‘Who me? I’m justa fry cook.’ ‘My old man’s justa truck driver.’ ‘Sorry, but I’m justa temp.’ ‘But I'm justa kid.’
  16. Slow Contests are no longer permitted in the fast lane.
  17. When you turn 30 you can have one credit card—but only after you complete a four-year money management course—and!—pass the exam!
  18. I’ll dance like I know what I’m doing.
  19. Sarah Brightman performs an invitation-only concert for us. (Yes, you’re invited.)
  20. Scripture and laughter are the only medicines. Ask your doctor if either one is right for you.
  21. From Texas to Canada, wildflowers bloom all year.
  22. When you holler, “It’s my right!” then you must also say,
    “And my responsibility is _____.”
  23. ABBA makes a successful comeback!
  24. Alarm clocks are outlawed. (Awright!)
  25. When I get in a line, it moves quickly.
  26. Other people’s kids are well-behaved in public places.
  27. Jesus holds off till I complete my walk across America. (Well, he held off till all our kids and grandkids were born. And there was that Christmas bonus. And the college degree. And you know what I’m talking about, don’t you?)
  28. Everyone is required to enjoy at least one taste of caviar. (Please, no marriage proposals afterward.)
  29. Everyone pays a flat tax—except politicians. Their taxes are doubled!
  30. Pigs Fly.

Okay, now you try it.

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