States Department

Quick! Quick! Name the capitol city of South Dakota!

Okay. Time’s up.


I remember my first day in the 11th Grade. We had a brand new teacher for our US History class. She looked about our age. But alas, poor thing: we were her first class ever. She bravely called all our names, alphabetically, and asked us to say a little something about the person sitting in front of us. I’ve forgotten who sat in front of me and I’ve forgotten that teacher’s name.

But I remember that day because I almost pulled off a masterstroke of genius previously unheard of in the annals of 11th Grade boys.

“Well, since this is a US History class,” she finally began, “let’s begin the year with a list of the fifty states. Oh, and please name their capitol cities. I’ll give you the rest of the hour to complete it.”

“Are you serious? All of them?”

“Shhhh.”

It wasn’t hard, really, because all those states and cities had been drilled into us every year since fourth grade. We all settled into it with about 30 minutes till end of class. Occasionally there was a snicker. “Shhh.” Or a giggle. “Shhhhh.” Even a whisper. “Shhhh. No talking.”

Just for fun I decided to think outside the box and list all the states and their capitol cities alphabetically. Alphabetically! A feat never before attempted in the annals of 11th grade boys.

Alabama, Alaska (a new state), Arizona (home)…New Jersey, New Hampshire, New Mexico…all the way to Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming. Ta-da!

…47, 48, 49. Huh?

Wait a minute! Wait-wait-wait! There’s one missing! There’s only 49 states here! I counted again. I missed one. I racked my brain. I couldn’t figure out the missing state. I looked at a mental map, but didn’t see that state. Time was running out. What…? Which…? I imagined a list, but couldn’t find it. The bell rang; class was done. I shuffled to the new teacher’s desk and dropped off my incomplete—but alphabetized—list. Briefly, my eyes begged for mercy and then I left the room.

Well, I almost completed the list (49 outta 50 ain’t bad). I almost named all the capitol cities. And I almost listed everything in correct alphabetical order. Pretty good for an 11th grader, huh?

The next day my paper was returned with a red A and this remark: “Nice handwriting.” Nice handwriting? Didn’t she even notice my remarkable alphabetical achievement? Sheesh! In the annals of 11th Grade boys it was almost brilliant.

Quick! Do you know what capitol city I didn’t get right? Do you know what state/city I couldn’t remember? Do you know where I messed up alphabetically? The clues are all here.

Today, I’m embarrassed to say that recently I had to peek for state names and—hoo boy!—I just quit altogether on the capitol cities. And the alphabet? Hah!

But isn’t it amazing that I remember my 11th Grade mistakes so well?

Homework Department

"Who can tell me the difference between a buffalo and a bison," the teacher asked.

Nobody knew. Try as they might, nobody knew.

"Alrighty then," the teacher said, "Your homework for tonight is to go home and find out the difference between a buffalo and a bison."

Next day, the teacher asked again. Little SueAnn shot up her hand. "Yes, SueAnn?"

"Well, my deddy sez ye cain't wash yer hands in a bufflo."

Department of Apathy

I like apathy because I don't have to do anything to show my commitment to it.

And also, nobody cares if I don't show up at the weekly Apathy Support Group meetings.

Yankee Stadium, Part 2

I watched the baseball game Sunday night on ESPN. It was the last game played in Yankee Stadium. There will be no more baseball there. From now on, they’ll play in the new Yankee Stadium that opens in 2009. (The odds of this year’s Yankees playing in the World Series—even the playoffs—are so slim that…)

I appreciated seeing all the “Old-timers” who were introduced. I’ve watched every one of them on TV at one time or another. In my previous post, I should also have included Willie Randolph, Bernie Williams, and recently deceased Bobby Murcer as unforgettable Yankees. (Hoo boy, who have I still left off the list?)

Retired third baseman, Scott Brosius and former Manager Joe Torre couldn’t be there. That’s too bad. By the way, the current Yankee Manager, Joe Girardi was David Cone’s Perfect Game catcher. (See my post below.)

Anyway, I appreciated the whole affair. Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are not my favorite TV broadcasters, but on this night, they did a great job. They let four Yankees into their booth during the game; then when it was all over, they let all the fans do the talking—cheer, cheer, cheer. It was a great show.

I think I’m adjusting my “bucket list” to go to the new stadium next year. Anybody want to meet me there?

If you didn't read my previous Yankee post, click here or just scroll south.

A touch of class: My favorite active baseball player is Ivan “Pudge” Rodriquez. I saw him play in his first major league game with the Texas Rangers and have been hooked on him ever since. What a catcher! What a baseball player! I’ve since watched him play many times—live and on TV. Pudge is one of the greatest catchers to ever play baseball, and is on the high road to the Hall of Fame. I always secretly wished he could be a Yankee—and just a few weeks ago he became one. However, on this special night, he was a gracious new teammate—a class gentleman—and stepped aside, stood behind the veteran Yankees and let them glow in their spotlights.

I love baseball.

Yankee Stadium

Way back when, when we played sandlot baseball, every one of us imagined ourselves playing in Yankee Stadium with Mickey Mantle and Joe DiMaggio. But, alas, none of us ever made it to Yankee Stadium. Not even to watch a game.

As much as I love baseball, I guess I’m not that good of a fan after all. I wanted to go this year, but being out of work/money since February kept me from going. (I shoulda gone anyway.) If I ever make a list of regrets, missing out on Yankee Stadium will be on it.

Well, this weekend is Yankee Stadium’s last. Yes, you heard right. They’re going to tear down Yankee Stadium. No more baseball in Yankee Stadium. Yes, you heard right.

(Of course, they’ve already built another stadium across the street, and the New York Yankees will play there next year, but still...)

Some of the most interesting events in American history have taken place there. Three Popes have held Catholic Mass there, Billy Graham preached there and Billy Joel, U2 and Pink Floyd performed there (not all at once). World-class boxers boxed each other’s ears there. That wounded US flag, ripped to shreds on 9/11, has flown there. Politicians of every stripe have tossed out the first pitch there. South African Nelson Mandela was honored there. And the “Greatest Game Ever Played” was played there—a football game, of all things, between the NY Giants and the Baltimore Colts. And “The Greatest College Game Ever Played” between Notre Dame and Army ended in a 0 – 0 tie and a shared national championship. Football again. It’s quite a place. I guess.

Yankee Stadium, built for baseball, opened April 18, 1923. Babe Ruth promptly smacked its first home run. A few years later, he smacked 60 homers in one year, the last in Yankee Stadium. Babe Ruth is still the stadium’s greatest hero. When he died, he lay in state at Yankee Stadium’s front gate.

Don Larsen pitched the only World Series perfect game in Yankee Stadium. (I was in the 7th Grade.) David Cones and David Wells each pitched perfect games there in the regular season.

David Cone’s perfect game is beautifully thrilling because…
“he was simply perfect on a day when perfection was in attendance. The original battery of the 1956 World Series Perfect Game was on hand because it was Yogi Berra Day at Yankee Stadium. Pitcher Don Larsen was there to throw out the First Pitch and then Cone provided the fireworks for Berra, Larsen and Yankees fans.”—from the Baseball Almanac (no author), http://www.baseball-almanac.com/boxscore/07181999.shtml

You can’t make this stuff up. It’s all part of the magic of Yankee Stadium.

Homers: They’ll talk about Yankee Stadium homers in Baseball Heaven till the stars burn out. Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, Reggie Jackson, Don Mattingly, Alex Rodriquez are some of the big stars here, but there are many batters whose individual homers created exciting moments and memories for Yankee fans everywhere.

But then, how can you name Yankee names without saying Yogi Berra, Billy Martin, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Phil Rizzuto, Joe Torre, Whitey Ford, Scott Brosius, Thurman Munson, Greg Nettles, Jorge Posada, Lefty Gomez, Paul O'Neill, Casey Stengel… There are 39 Yankees in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Several more are waiting to enter. We’ll be talking about these men for a long, long time.

And for years to come, we’ll talk about Yankee Stadium. Period. Of all the All-American places that should be designated a historical site, it’s Yankee Stadium. Or at least put its picture on a postage stamp.

My Cousins Department

My cousin Odd Nichols is several years older than I. He was the last of 13 kids. I heard that my uncle took one look at him and said, “He’s odd, but he’ll do.” So his mom named him Odd. “Well, I thought that’s what you wanted,” she told my uncle.

Well, as you can imagine, he was teased to no end when he was in grade school. They always made fun of him in junior and senior high school. They laughed, giggled and snorted behind his back the rest of his life. He hated his name. For the most part he made everybody call him Mr. Nichols. Even his kids.

Many times over the years he told his wife Vissy, “Hunny. I just hate my name. When the time comes I want you get me a headstone that don’t have my name on it. Just leave my name off. I don’t care what else you put, just don’t put my name on it, you hear? Now, promise me.”

“I promise,” she always said.

He died last June and was buried in our Pancake Flats Garden of Rest. And cousin Vissy kept her promise. She just put the dates: 1928 – 2008.

Well, now wouldn’t you know it? People walk by his handsome headstone, take a look and say, “Hmm, that’s odd.”

Lists Department

Really, I never claimed I knew it all, and even though I do know it all, lots of other people do, too. But here’s a little list of things that have helped me know even more.

1. I’m amazed at how well older women adapt to running things after their husbands have passed away.
2. I would be a rich man right now if I had gone into the pavement business—and invested heavily in orange traffic cones.
3. Sooner or later, all the words we speak will come back to us. Some will come back to haunt us; some will come back to bless us—and the choice is ours.
4. When women reach about age 55, they start calling everyone “Hunny.”
5. Never buy myself anything during December.
6. Immediately after a big storm the first sound you hear is a singing bird.
7. Why do women rock their babies to sleep in church; then turn and poke their husbands in the ribs to keep ‘em awake?
8. I am not required to forward e-mails, nor feel guilty if I don’t. And if I do forward somebody's blathering e-mail, my wish for Catherine Zeta-Jones to come knocking on my door still won't come true.
9. Efficiency experts will probably never be laid off.
10. The secret to good writing is good re-writing.
11. Hell will probably have big city freeways with all the slow, inattentive drivers bunched-up up front. And they will keep going slower and slower and slower...forever!
12. Paying bills without stress is almost a worship experience.
13. If I focus on results, I’ll never change. If I consider change, I’ll get some pretty impressive results.
14. A newborn baby is still the miracle of miracles.
    
15. Ever noticed that little kids are afraid of the dark, while most grownups are afraid of the Light?